Family Challenge - Workshops & Seminars

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Eliminating Conflict Between Family Members

When emotion gets in the way of rational discussion, arguments break out, emotional manipulation is used, and guilt throwing comes into play. Ultimately the feelings of both parties get trampled upon. Each party in the debate stops listening to what the other is saying, as they just want to be heard. The topic up for debate doesn’t even have to be important. What’s important is how each party feels about the topic. For some, the feeling is that they simply want their opinions to be validated. For others, it may be the feeling of being in control, asserting that their perspective is right and anything that deviates from that position is wrong.

Because we feel as though we have not been properly understood or even heard for that matter, our emotional volcano starts to stir. The longer the tug-of-war continues, the less control we feel we have and the more frustrated we become. The outcome of any such interaction is not satisfactory for either party. We usually end up walking away out of frustration, saying something we will later regret, or in extreme cases, not be able to control the volcano as it explodes in a rage or verbal and physical abuse. When we walk away from such an interaction, we typically spend several minutes, hours, and sometimes even days brewing our own self-righteousness.

Rather than proactively resolving to make amends or come up with some form of compromise, we meditate on why we are justified in our position, and expend much energy in detailing why the other party’s comments were unfounded, inaccurate, offensive, unfair or unjustified. Over time, and after several such interactions, our dissatisfaction about what has been said spreads and mutates into discontent about that person.

This presentation introduces the 3-STEP PROBLEM SOLVING PLAN for use when faced with high-risk situations that frequently lead to dispute, giving instructions to children who are typically defiant to authority, or interacting with argumentative individuals who have strong and stubborn personalities. In order for successful interactions (or negotiations) to take place, we must reflect on the needs of the person we have the problem with. The ‘problem’ may take the form of any social breakdown where two or more people want their own way.

Effective communication principles require strategy and insight as if we were playing a game of chess or backgammon. The party with whom we wish to successfully interact is our ‘practice-partner’. With these people we test out our strategic thinking skills. Reflecting on our practice-partner’s needs is just as much about anticipating their next move as it is about nurturing their feelings. The primary objective for employing the 3-STEP PROBLEM SOLVING PLAN is not to "get our own way", but rather to effectively problem solve disagreements in positive and powerful ways.

This strategy has been taught to clients presenting with a wide variety of challenges ranging from relationship breakdown and anger management to Aspergers syndrome and oppositional defiance in children. The 3-STEP PROBLEM SOLVING PLAN is founded on principles of successful communication and taps into theories put forth by other well known communicators, including John Teasedale, Dale Carnegie, and Stephen Covey. As such, the technique can be practiced by anyone who wishes to break existing tug-of-war argument habits, or who simply wants to be an effective communicator.

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